I'm Fighting and I'm Losing
by Angel Leviathan
Summary: Chakotay glanced across at her, suddenly all too aware of the silence on the Bridge, deciding to go ahead anyway, “…One day you’re going to be so alone that even you wont be able to take it.”


* * *

Title: I'm Fighting and I'm Losing 

Author: Angel Leviathan

Disclaimer: Voyager, characters etc, aren't mine.

Notes: Set some weeks after Resolutions.

* * *

She awoke to the sensation of lips tracing down her neck, light kisses across her collarbone that made her shiver and awakened the wish that he'd never stop. She wove her arms around him, hauling his lips down to hers, unable to help herself, kissing him hungrily, even after the night they'd spent together. He loved her, he'd never leave her, they were free, nothing could stop them now…

The time is 0700 **hours.**

Kathryn denied the summons, not wanting to leave his embrace, before she came to her senses and the shock that she'd been dreaming of him again hit her, embarrassment becoming the overwhelming emotion, even shame, though who she was hiding from she didn't know. She was alone in her quarters, as always, ever haunted by her memories.

Memories of the one night they'd spent together.

Never again.

She flung back the cover on her bed, shaking her head in denial as she did so, determined to leave behind the feelings of comfort and safety, and, above all, love, passion and need that were still washing over her, still echoing in her mind. If she was unable to clamp down and suppress her emotions when she saw him, she'd never move on.

Never again.

She stood and made her way to the bathroom, splashing water on her face and examining her appearance in the mirror. Janeway sighed and looked away, not at all happy with the image that was reflected back at her; one of a woman who had endured many sleepless nights, what sleep she could snatch never truly restful.

'Get used to it, Kathryn. Its never going to happen again. Get over it. You've got a ship to run.'

* * *

Kathryn began her long string of mental curses when she saw him headed for the turbolift right behind her. Recently, their relationship had been almost entirely that of just Captain and Commander, not even able to manage a 'friendly' conversation now and then. They had tried, of course, but given up swiftly after they had endured but a few empty and emotionless exchanges, of little eye contact and great distance between them. They never spoke on the Bridge; only orders and essential enquiries passed between them.

They were trapped again.

She had never been one for giving up, whether it was merely a mathematical problem or the task still looming before her; getting her ship home. Yet somehow the same applied to giving up a life she'd fought for weeks and eventually given in to.

And given in to him.

Not because he made her; of that she was all too aware. But because she had wanted to, even before they had been 'abandoned' together. On a busy ship, in a constant command structure, she could ignore what she chose to; all eyes were always on her, on them.

But they had been alone.

And now, somehow, even with crewmen bustling around them, they were always alone.

Kathryn hit the button for the turbo lift and waited patiently, staring at the doors ahead of her as if she could do nothing else.

"Good morning, Captain," Chakotay greeted, in a toneless voice.

"Morning, Commander," she replied, not daring to look at him. When the lift arrived, she entered it and began staring at the floor, as he instructed the lift to take them to the bridge. Silence reigned for a few seconds, until he looked straight at her;

"…Do you still get the dreams…?" he asked, so softly she was unsure whether she had imagined it or not.

"Excuse me?" she questioned.

"The dreams," Chakotay repeated.

Kathryn glared up at him, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Computer, halt turbolift," he stated.

Her lower-jaw nearly hit the ground in shock, and, if she ever admitted it, fear, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" she was being defensive and unnecessarily harsh, and she knew it.

"How long is this going to go on for?"

"To what are you referring, Commander?"

The use of his rank rather than his name only made him more determined, "You know exactly what I mean, Kathryn."

She kept dodging, "I'm afraid you're going to have to be a little more specific," '_Please don't be specific, please don't be specific…'_

"What happened on New Earth," Chakotay looked away.

"Computer, resume," Janeway ordered. She took a step back, away from him, "Nothing of any importance happened on that planet, Chakotay. Its time you let it go," the turbolift thankfully arrived at the Bridge, and she managed to escape before he could form any reply, stunned as he was. She said nothing, only took her seat and proceeded to stare straight ahead.

He followed her example, and, to his credit, managed to keep up the same silence and solid stare for a good half hour before he cracked. Chakotay glanced across at her, suddenly all too aware of the silence on the Bridge, deciding to go ahead anyway, "…One day you're going to be so alone that even _you_ wont be able to take it."

Janeway snapped, eyes blazing as she stood and turned to him, "In my ready room, Commander."

"Gladly," Chakotay replied, flippantly, following her as she made her way across the Bridge.

She had her Captain's mask firmly in place by the time he caught up with her, as the door shut behind them.

"Just what are you trying to do to me?" she asked, in a voice that held neither anger nor need for an answer.

"Captain?"

"What are you trying to do to me, Chakotay?"

He stared at her, confused, "…I just want to move past this."

At least she was honest and knew exactly what he meant, not feigning ignorance, "…Maybe we can't. This is my way of dealing with it. I'm sorry if you don't understand, but this is how it has to be."

Chakotay shook his head, "It doesn't have to be like this."

"It does whilst I'm Captain of this ship."

"Who said a captain isn't allowed a life?"

"I did. When I made a decision for all of us and prevented everybody else from having a life," she stated.

He looked away, knowing he wasn't going to be able to out manoeuvre her with regulations and protocol. She wrote the book on that, after all. Instead, Chakotay opted to ask a simple question, "Do you love me?"

Kathryn took a step back toward her desk, "What?"

"I said, do you love me?" he continued, "Yes or no? At least be honest with _me_, if not yourself."

She stared down at the floor, not ready for an admittance of anything. But every time she looked at him, it all came flooding back; how gentle he had been with her, the passion she hadn't expected to find overwhelming them both as they slowly made love in the darkness. She knew her answer, always, without the need for the question, "…Yes…" she whispered.

Chakotay exhaled and took a step toward her, "…Then why wont you let me love you?"

Kathryn attempted to move away again, only to find she hit the front of her desk and had nowhere to run. She had no choice but to speak, "…Because I can't afford to be blinded by emotions. I can't let myself feel anything if it threatens those who I've sworn to protect."

His arms were around her, one hand tilting her head up to meet his…

…She knew she could have escaped if she had truly wanted to.

He kissed her softly, almost warily, yet she couldn't help but respond, deepening their embrace until she tore herself away, breathless, "I cant. You don't understand. I can't lose control like that. I can't afford to."

"Just because you're able to love doesn't mean you have no control," he countered.

"It affects my decisions, it messes with my head!" she almost shouted.

"So? It means you're human. And I think the crew would rather have a woman who can use her emotions to her advantage rather than a captain who snaps orders and is capable of nothing else."

Kathryn glanced over her shoulder at him, "…And if I can't use them to my advantage?"

"Then you're just like everybody else on this ship." He moved to stand beside her, "You should let somebody love you, Kathryn, even if its never me."

She turned a fearful gaze upon him, "…And if I want it to be you?"

"…Then I'm here."

"…And if its going to take time?"

"Then I'm here."

Kathryn shut her eyes and lowered her head, lost in thought. Almost so quickly that he was unable to react, she closed the distance between them and kissed him once, shyly, though she was uncertain why, "…It's not going to be easy…"

"I never said it would be," he said softly.

She nodded, silently, taking one of his hands in hers, "…Come on…we've got a ship to run…" she made to leave the room, but halted abruptly, "…Chakotay…earlier…I lied…" she released his hand and started back toward the door, stopping just before she knew the sensor would activate, "…and I still have the dreams."

* * *

Fin 


End file.
